Just Believe It

God must have read my previous post, 'cause he has sent me, out of nowhere, a wonderful boyfriend. I have always been a worrywart and I know that things like that maybe can't last forever but I really do hope to be side by side with him for a long time. You know, as stupid as it may seem, I just want this to last for eternity...

Other than that, in order to answer the questions you sent me via e-mail, let me say that the reason why I'm not posting regularly is that I don't want this blog to be similiar to many others, just telling how things went throughout a period of time, but mainly I'm willing to write a manifesto showing my ideas about homosexuality. I think I've expressed the main points but of course I don't rule out the possibility of posting again every now and then.
For example, my topic today is just about being gently self-assertive about homosexuality. I have astoundingly learnt that a lot of straight persons have no clue about the real meaning of that word. They think we have self-imposed to lay with men just out of lust, or they conjencture about the fact that we must like women but we're not adequately mature to deal with them.I've listened to rubbish like that many a times, and I am upset because I perceive that just being logical and rational my conversers nearly admit the foolishness of their objections.
Is it possible to have an opinion so deep rooted without even knowing shit about things you're talking about? Yes, it is. We tend to absorb from society more than we could expect, so we happen to have a bias about subjects we never thought about thoroughly.When it comes to an issue in which we are not concerned, we can afford to be indulgent to ourselves, that's why ignorance is so enormous and direful.I reckon that this passage - from the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen R. Covey (Franklin Covey Co.) - can actually explain very incisively the way we often behave.

"Suppose you wanted to arrive at a specific location in central Chicago. A street map of the city would be a great help to you in reaching your destination. But suppose you were given the wrong map. Through a printing error, the map labeled "Chicago" was actually a map of Detroit. Can you imagine the frustration, the ineffectiveness of trying to reach your destination? [...] Each of us has many, many maps in our head, which can be divided into two main categories: maps of the way things are, or realities, and maps of the way things should be, or values. We interpret everything we experience through these mental maps. We seldom question their accuracy; we're usually even unaware that we have them. We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of those assumptions. The way we see things is the source of the way we think and the way we act"

But if we're not chicken of being ourselves and if we can act in a coherent, sincere and unrude way when we explain our standpoints, this is gonna make the difference in the long run.

Drained

I met another couple of guys but it was the same old story: being gay sometimes means to be forced to live in the moment, to grab every possible source of affection and/or pleasure and then just forget about it...
Because after that one night, guys just disappear.
Can I keep on searching forever? Spending a lot of time chatting with guys, asking them the same old frigging questions, then meeting and forgetting of the whole thing after a while?
I'm moving in circles. And I'm only 22. I don't wanna even think of the future...
I'm drained. Always going through the initial (and somewhat exhaustive) stages of letting myself known by someone. Maybe I should focus on other aspects of my life, such as study, work, friends and so on...
Or perhaps I'd have to stop chatting - I should try to meet new guys in real life, possibly tweaking my gaydar... that's the real problem about real life...
But one thing is for sure: if all gay men were like the ones I usally chat with, I'd rather become chaste or asexual...
Anyhow, I think everyone who's been reading these pages has understood my standpoints and my personal way to live my homosexuality, and that is what I aimed for. It may suffice, it may not. I don't know. I'm still undecided.
Thanks to everyone who wrote me e-mail messages, I'm very appreciative... if you want, I'm still waiting for your feedback :)
Amd if you've got a website please, please, please link my site, I need to heighten my page ranking, Google does not list my website when I search for it, and if people don't find me through search engines my writing gets pointless. 
There is one thing left to be said: it is a passage from a French website. It impressed me, so here it is. Somehow, I feel the same way, even if I don't think I never had any real, important relationship... so I am lot more disheartened...

" Je me suis toujours appliqué a' créer une relation "fraternelle" avant qu'elle ne soit "sexuelle"... certains ont suivi, d'autres moins ! Je ne me sens pas proche de la dite "communauté". Maintenant, je suis tres, tres méfiant avec les gays, parce qu ils ne veulent pas croire en un amour unique... leurs désirs dépassent leurs sentiments si tu vois ce que je veux dire...! Moi, j'y crois. Meme si le désert est parfois long a' traverser !"

I translate:

"I've always been trying to create a fraternal connection, rather than a sexual one: some of them have evolved, others stayed the same. I don't feel I belong to the gay scene. At present, I feel very, very discouraged about gay people because they don't want to believe in a unique love... their desires overcome their feelings, if you know what I mean. But I believe in it. Even if the desert sometimes takes so long to get crossed"

Well, that is that. Take care y'all.

The Barter Of Cuddles

Yesterday I went shopping. I didn't buy any usual consumer goods, though. During the afternoon I was fucking around on the Internet and, by the way, was very pissed off... all of my friends were on holidays and had no company at all.
I decided to join my usual chatroom and was messaged by a guy. We started talking and he asked what I was looking for..
- To be blunt, I need to make out with a guy, no sex - I responded
- How weird! Why don't you ask someone out for a drink and then, something could happen...
- Why do we have to be such hypocritical?
- You're right. And why do you just want to make out?
- Because I don't feel like having sex with a stranger
We swapped our mobile numbers and then I went out for a walk. I still couldn't bring myself to call him, because my behavior had obviously been very lusty and maybe dingy.
But I changed my mind as soon as I heard his voice and we planned our meeting.
When I saw him in person, I felt mesmerized and stunned: man, you gotta believe me, he was so FUCKING hot I couldn't describe him fairly. His eyes were radiant, his smile was so white it shimmered very vividly, fleshy and juicy lips, smooth and soft skin, trimmed hair, excellent body.
- Where do you wanna go? - he asked
- Don't know - I answered, in a kinda trembling voice - it depends on where you wanna go, what you wanna do...
This hottie can't like me, definitely he can't - that's what I was thinking to myself - probably, we're just gonna have some beers, a lot of small talk, and nothing more.
- If you want to drink something, just go down, otherwise you gotta go uptown to enjoy a panoramic landscape, but the place is a lot more...erm...secluded.
It was a shock when I realized he was heading to the privy spot... we got there, then he turned off the engine.
He told me his story. He had just gotten out of a long term relationship (more than three years), starting to recover. He was a student but volunteered to co-operate with an association aimed at helping children being abused or harassed. Such a clever and sweet boy.
I was enjoying so much talking to him and still had my doubts about his intentions, I couldn't deserve him.
But a lot later he outstretched his arm and caressed me in a barely perceivable way. I took some seconds to get myself together after what had just happened and so I returned the move.
We started making out and kissing very fondly, it was just great! I never wanted to push myself away from him, how delicious he was! And he never touched my private parts, he stroked me in a very respectful and sweet manner it was hard to believe. I laid my head against his chest and he caressed my hair, I tickled his chin, soft-kissed his lips and got hypnotized by his glance... I was on cloud nine.
When we said our goodbyes, he told me that the evening had been exquisite, I added I'd have wanted to shrink him down to a small size and carry him along in my pocket.
So, I came back home, and went to sleep immedietately. I dreamt of him throughout the night. I dreamt of making out with a luscious boy in the likeness of him, then I would rouse and think: "Boy, was that reality!"
This morning I was bethinking about the occurrences of the night before and I mused: "How sad is that! We're living in the 21st century, in the communication era, I can publish whatever I want in my blog for the world to read, I can chat with an Australian guy without budging from my room, but if I long for a kiss, I have to ask for it and pretend the guy I meet is my partner - that's the barter of cuddles.
Who's gonna invent it? I don't give a shit about sex, I just want cuddles.

Guidelines for the Choice of the Perfect Boyfriend

I lost what I had found, so I elaborated my personal and optimist theory about boyfiends.
If he's way too young, he's probably immature.
If he's way too old, he's probably a pervert.
If he's way too hot, he's gonna cheat on you so many times.
If he's way too ugly, he's gonna break off 'cause he doesn't deserve you.
If he suddenly loves you, he'll change his mind all of a sudden.
If he takes his time to love you, probably he'll end up thinking you're not right for him.
If he's too unexperienced, he'll go through a crisis about his sexual identity.
If he's too experienced, he'll get you into a crisis about your sexual identity.
If he's too crazy, your relationship will end in a crazy way.
If he's just plain boring, your relationship will end in a boring way.
If he doesn't love you, your relationship will make no sense.
If he loves you too much, you'll feel suffocated.
If he's too stupid, he will just act foolish.
If he's too clever, he'll work out a clever way to get rid of you.
If he's too insensitive, he'll just ignore you.
If he's too sensitive, you'll make him suffer too much, so he'll break off.
If he's unfaithful, you'll not be able to bear the way he behaves.
If he's faithful, you'll ascertain he's impotent.
If he's a boy, his conduct will be boyish.
If he's a man, he'll be too antique for you.
So, simply look yourself in the mirror, speak about whatever you want and the other one will always be listening to your chitchat. When you'll get tired of blattering, just jerk off and have fun.

Rambling and Ranting

Yo, I'm back! :D
Just for a while, though. I really can't concentrate very much on this blog lately, and dunno whether to keep it alive and kicking, posting new entries, or leave it in a state of neglect.
Anyway, I have to thank everyone who dropped me a mail in my inbox: so, thanks Sparky for your appreciation about my blog and for adding that I'm a good writer, very wise for my age. This makes me proud, especially because English is just a language I learnt.
And thanks to Gerard from San Francisco for commenting what I said about mature gay men and gay aging. He wrote:

"Although it may seem a depressing prospect when you are in your early 20s, it actually can be quite a wonderful thing. I'm 46, and as various of my friends turn 40, I always tell them 'Welcome to the best decade of your life.'"


Well, that may really be the best decade of one's life, but what I really meant was that I'm scared by the insensitiveness of some blokes, a lot older than me, whom I've known.
Since this happened a considerable amount of times, I started thinking it could sometimes be a frequent process, due to illusions and solitude gathering over one's life.
I'm fully aware that one day (maybe) I'll be old myself, and I dread to become like that sort of persons I came across, who can simply be defined "walking penises" - I mean, looking at them, I was sure that every sparkle in their eyes had utterly died, everything resembling an emotion or an heartfelt sensation was not able to find any room inside their souls. Sex and quest for pleasure filled up every vacant nook, replacing in their chests their heartbeats with the vibrations of their horny nipples.
Does anyone doubt that a child has a very special glow in his glance or in his demeanor? Does anyone disbelieve that this glow is lost, as soon as he grows up?
So I'm the first one to be involved. If I compare the way I am today to the way I used to be just a few years ago (when, for the first time, I was up to start off exploring my sexuality and what love meant to me) of course I think I've taken in a lot, but a great part of myself has gone away as well, and it'll never come back.
I used to daydream more than now.
I could think, when someone smiled at me, he was for sure giving me a sign of his undoubtable friendship.
I thought love was eternal and sex without it made no sense.
Now I know that daydreaming can be a waste of time.
I'm aware that if someone is smiling at me, he could possibly be teasing me.
I understand that passion has a deadline. I realize despair sometimes is involved in relationships and affection can merely be a convenient label.
Am I more mature, now? I don't know, but I don't wanna be like this. Definitely.
But I guess life will go on, carrying the best part of me away. And even if I resist, I'm not gonna find many ones who preserved their purity, being older.
Can I love the same way I could just three years ago, being totally devoted to my partner? I hope so, but I'm not sure.
Shit, I wish so much to disprove my theories and of course I do believe there are exceptions and want to stress this speech is NOT generalized.
If there are any mature gay readers, I'd like to know how they thought their love life would get and if they've been disappointed or satisfied about the way things turned out to be.
That being said, I wanna just mention how my life is progressing: to make a long story short, my future seems to be undecided or devastating but I'm very glad to have some really good friends, and so elated at having met a wonderful guy, whose name is Marco.
Thanks for being there, I do adore you.

Where's My Heart Task Manager?

If you are an advanced Windows user, you already know that some programs set your computer to be run each time system is started, in order to be permanently executing. The same strategy, by the way, is adopted by informatic viruses to hamper their removal.
Of course you can edit the registry or elsewhere and disable this thing: the big deal is that a part of them is so tricky that when any user runs them, they check if there have been any modifications to their startup settings and, in such a case, undo them.
I think my heart works the same way: I've killed so many times my love process towards a certain person... he had set my heart for being booted each time I plugged my brain, so I couldn't stop thinking of him and loving him.
The snag is that, even today, whenever I stumble across him, he nullifies my editings and resets the default autorun action.
So, yet another time, I'm haunted by him.
And he's a fugging malware, it makes me suffer and hurt.
Who's gonna help terminate him? Where's my heart task manager? What do I have to format to get rid of my love to him?
I wish I could behave with my body as if it were a computer.

How Gay Old Are You?

Have you ever noticed the anxious way (nearly) every gay man is related with his own age?
We always dread we're getting too much old and we're gonna live alone or we wasted our time and the opportunities we had...
I can't forget the hopeless expression some mature gay men had when I saw them hooking up some younger lads who usually gave them a nausated look... I really could see the weight of loneliness and old age on their shoulders...
As to me, I got resigned, I now think that so few things can last a lifetime and love is the most uncommon among these ones.
The other day I read an impressive sentence about time going by and gay people: it said that a gay is as old as the number of experiences and love affairs he has gotten through.
Well, this can seem so trivial but stop and think about it: during our desperate quest for Mr Right we use to bump into so many people, we use to deceive ourselves so many times, we use to drift through so many ups and downs that some straight men could ask where we did found that willpower...
In my opinion, it's not a lie to state that, coming down this path, we keep on changing more than everyone else: the firt step is an idealistic and naif phase but it's just the beginning and most of our dreams are mercinessly crushed by life and the way it goes.
How about straight people? I guess many of them don't live this lack of steadiness, they closet into a so-called "happy marriage" and avoid this attritional route...

Fitting The Gay Scene

This website is getting some responses from all over the world and I'm quite happy about that: this gives my work a sense.
I'm planning to build a page where to collect them all: I'd be glad to know your coming out stories and the way you came to terms with your sexuality.
By the way, I was very pleased to get a message from Damon who briefly summarized his life and told me my entries had raised many questions in his mind. He added that "we are all over this world, living our different lives, in diverse places, all in search of that one thing. Love"
Thanks for your appreciation, Damon, it's so nice to find someone who shares some of my principles and to regain some trust in the gay scene. Same as you, during my childhood I always had a best friend and later on, I perceived I was feeling for guys what straight guys feel about girls.
Some of the things you wrote I could have written myself, I absolutely share it: I'm just missing the optimistic part of your writing 'cause I never found what I wished to. Maybe I've just to hope and wait...
I think it's positive not to fit the gay scene because, you know, I haven't a high opinion of it: these lines are absolutely impartial, as far as I can.
I mean, in this blog I wanna preserve gay people from common biases but nevertheless I don't agree with many behaviors of gay men in general who think sex is a shortcut to love, who live many compromises they suppose to be unavoidable, who even talk to each other using feminine pronouns albeit in a joking way.
I reckon all of this very derogatory and stupid: aren't we discriminated enough? At least couldn't WE avoid to tease OURSELVES?

Was I always gay?

This is one of the hardest questions to be answered. I was remembered of it reading a blog of a guy who e-mailed me. Thanks for writing, Robert...
The question I used to ask myself included as well: "Could I have gotten different?"
I mean, if during our adolescence we live a homosexual experience is that gonna influence us? I honesty don't know...
I was never involved in anything of the kind when I was younger, even though I had a close friendship with a guy who afterwards realized to be gay. Could he have influenced me?
My personal answer is not 100% sure, but it tends a lot to be negative...
If I look back at my past years I was never attracted or excited by women so I'm pretty sure... today, when I'm traveling by train and I can stare at the women sitting before me without making anyone suspicious, I think to myself "How the fuck could I be aroused by them?"
However I don't know if a shocking sexual experience during childhood - I never had any of them at that time - can be so decisive to change one's sexuality throughout life... I believe that adolescence is a very critical period in which many facets of ourselves are "under development" and sexuality is finding its way to emerge, so, even if I think it's not possible to persuade a grown-up to change his sexual identity, maybe things *could* be different for a child... in any case it wouldn't be so easy, IMHO...
But this consideration does not clash with my conviction according to which homosexuality is never a choice...
The second point is: does it make any sense to say: "When I was 10 I was straight" if, being that age, you had no sexual life at all?
'Coming out is a journey for sure' wrote Rob and I can't help but agreeing...

Do You Speak Gayish?

I got some mails from a guy in New Zealand: thanks for writing, Geoff, feel free to flood my mailbox you all *lol*
He said: "I'm sick of guys asking for sex. Do you think I ask for too much? I keep thinking, if i feel this way, surely some other guys out there feel the same way too? "
I hope so: but that's for sure that most of them speak Gayish to try to conceal their real intentions...
Be sure you know the meaning of each sentence (warning: I'll use explicit language).
My personal dating experience has suggested me these equations:

Why don't we meet in person? = Why don't we have sex?
You are too cute = You make me horny
Do you think I'm cute? = Can I try to kiss you?
Is there a better place to have some peace and speak frankly? = I want to make out with you
Are you a top or a bottom? = I want it up my ass
How many partners have you had? = Are you enough whorish to have sex with me?
How are you doing? = I want to try to speak about something not to show I'm just interested in sex
I love you = Are we gonna have sex again?
Sex is not so important for me = I can listen to your stupid yada yada up to twenty minutes
What do you feel like doing with your partner? = To what extent are you gonna fulfill my sexual desires?
I broke up with my boyfriend = I wanna have some fun with you
I'm having a hard time = I'm having a hard on
I'm still a virgin = I like riding bareback
I'm bi = I'm gayer than you

This post is not ironic, it's bitter and sad: of course there are many exceptions...

Can The Natural Law Be Violated?

That's obviously a matter of philosophy but these argumentations aren't so far from everyday life. How many times have you heard that you were violating the natural law?
One of my goals, when I decided to start this gay blog, was to stimulate reflection, and these lines seem particularly suitable to my intentions.
The whole text can be found on the Internet, its author is Burton Leiser.

Theologians and other moralists have said that ... [homosexual acts] violate the 'natural law': and that they are therefore immoral and ought to be prohibited by the state. [...]
The laws of nature, as these are understood by the scientist, differ from the laws of man. The former are purely descriptive, whereas the latter are prescriptive. When a scientist says that water boils at 212° Fahrenheit [...] he means merely that as a matter of recorded and observable fact, pure water under standard conditions always boils at precisely 212° Fahrenheit [...] They differ from municipal and federal laws in that they do not prescribe behaviour [...] their "violation" entails no penalty [...] When a scientist says that the air in a tire "obeys" the laws of nature that "govern" gases, he does not mean that the air, having been informed that it ought to behave in a certain way, behaves appropriately under the right conditions [...] in fact, according to the scientist, it does not make sense to speak of a natural law being violated. For if there were a true exception to a so called law of nature, the exception would require a change in the description of those phenomena, and the "law" would have been shown to be no law at all. The laws of nature are revised as scientists discover new phenomena that require new refinements in their descriptions of the way things actually happen. [...]

My two cents on this issue: so, is everything allowed since it can't violate the natural law?
No, it isn't at all. But this hasn't to do with nature, it's just a moral question...

Remembering The Prosecution of Homosexuals

Today it was Memory Day: everyone recalled the extermination of an entire people, organized by the Nazis, when 6 million Jews were killed...
I watched a lot of interviews on television but never heard of anything about homosexuals, who were victims of insanity and totalitarianism as well as Jews.
Apparently someone has thought that gay people deserved to die but not to be remembered...
In my opinion the Shoa must be an occasion to reflect and my thoughts concentrated on two points:

* It's very easy to manipulate the collective conscience - and this is still going on today - making people believe that something is wrong and despisable, otherwise such a massacre couldn't have happened.

* Relatively few years ago gay people - even if they weren't caught in the act, but on suspicion - were exterminated, tortured, beaten and burnt ... if today we are just discriminated, this has got to be a progress...

Today I wanna quote here from a book named "I, Pierre Seel, deported homosexual, A Memoir of Nazi Terror", written by Pierre Seel and Jean Le Bitoux.
These lines can be easily found on the Internet but it doesn't matter - we never remember enough of barbarity.

"One day the loudspeakers ordered us to report immediately to the roll-call site. Shouts and yells urged us to be there without delay. Surrounded by SS men, we had to form a square and stand at attention, as we did for morning roll call. The commandant appeared with his entire general staff. I assumed he was going to bludgeon us once again with his blind faith in the Reich, together with a list of orders, insults and threats - emulating the infamous outpourings of his master, Adolph Hitler. But the actual ordeal was far worse: an execution. Two SS men brought a young man to the center of the square. Horrified, I recognized Jo, my loving friend, who was only 18 years old. I hadn't previously spotted him in the camp. Had he arrived before or after me? We hadn't seen each other during the days before I was summoned by the Gestapo.
Now I froze in terror. I prayed that he would escape their lists, their roundups, their humiliations. And here he was, before my powerless eyes, which filled with tears. Unlike me, he had not carried dangerous letters, torn down posters, or signed any statements. What had happened? What had the monsters accused him of? Because of my anguish I have completely forgotten the wording of the death sentence.
The loudspeakers broadcast some noisy classical music while the SS stripped him naked and shoved a tin pale over his head. Next, they sicced their ferocious German shepherds on him: the guard dogs first bit into his groin and thighs, then devoured him right in front of us. His shrieks of pain were distorted and amplified by the pain in which his head was trapped. My rigid body reeled, my eyes gaped at so much horror, tears poured down my cheeks, I fervently prayed that he would black out quickly.
Since then I sometimes wake up howling in the middle of the night. For fifty years now that scene has kept ceaselessly passing and repassing through my mind. I will never forget the barbaric murder of my love - before my eyes, before our eyes, for there were hundreds of witnesses... Why are they still silent today? Have they all died? It's true that we were among the youngest in the camp and that a lot of time has gone by. But I suspect that some people prefer to remain silent forever, afraid to stir up the hideous memories, like that one among so many others."

Another Join In The Club

I knew that one of the people I used to frequent is gay.
Whoa, how weird this is!
Suddenly a lot of things come up to my mind and just now I understand some of his reactions I had judged strange, unintelligible or at least pretty original.
For example his insistence on sentencing that my long term friendship with a common mate of ours *had to* be definitely over, with no chance of recovery. Instead of trying to be kinda supportive of me, he had very harsh words...
But this makes me wonder if our sexual identity can be influenced someway... I still think that if a *real* straight guy lived his whole life in a gay bar he would still be attracted to women... however this was nearly shocking!
I'm living a nice friendship with a guy but I can't figure out what kind of person he is actually... his temper merges a good guy's sensitivity with an ordinary lusty behavior...

Sexual Procedures & Alibis

I have a dream...
Ok, I confess.... definitely, this is not an original way to start writing something: many people used it and it's so natural that everyone has got its own desires, hopes, wishes... we're just men after all.
My personal reverie is a world made of love and not of sex, especially referring the gay scene.
I'm not a puritan, in spite of this I can't help but realizing that sex is not something "procedural" invented for giving us pleasure when we want and the way we want.
Everyone is speaking about gay pride but none focuses his attention about gay dignity.
In my opinion, that would be more precious: pride is an overindulged feeling, nowadays everyone has learnt to be proud of himself, even kamikazes or corrupted politicians...
In the homosexual world of course it's about a spontaneous reaction to repression and social outcasting, therefore can be understood: but keep in mind that we're not justified by self-complacency - that's not a valid alibi - like a naughty child won't be absolved by his parents just because he's conceited about his pranks...
So, rather than shouting out in the streets the pride of being gay - which can be exasperating - let's begin to prove to the "skeptics" our moral qualities... I'm fed up with the gay world concentrated on fucking and ignoring its potentialities and all the other things....
A guy who no longer belongs to my life once said to me: "Don't give yourself away to the first person passing by because you fail to find what you're looking for..."
He was fucking right, even though sometimes I forgot of his recommendation.

Feedback by TicoBoy

Thanks a lot to TicoBoy for his e-mail: I really like to receive feedback by the ones who read my gay blog.
He said he was hit by my post about the "choice" of being gay, he totally agreed about that and found many similarities with his life...
This makes me feel better...
Sorry for not replying earlier but I was so busy in these days... however check your mailbox again, tomorrow you'll get my message ;)
And you? What are you waiting for? Why don't you drop me a line, writing your opinions/suggestions/insults and so on?
I'm waiting for them: you can write in English, Italian, French, Spanish and Portuguese...